from other shoes

Walking in circles
it's just like standing still
Open up my lungs
and let your useless words fill, fill them up
and out
it's all no use
it's all just more abuse
i'm breaking
it's not fine
what are we gonna do this time?

I
can't seem to let go, but at the same time you're not there
at the other end and I
am holding on by a hair, a shred
and one last wish
that you'll go on and you'll change this
and it will all go back to be
it will never have to be
life in the third degree


No more questions
No more lies
You could never look me, in the eye.
Now, I won't hit the bottle
Drugs aren't my intention
Not a believer, but I need an-
intervention
I've been addicted
Now I'm cutting you out
No more doubts in this lonely, lonely heart

All the Things I Wish I'd known

If I could compose a list right now, of things that I don't necessarily regret, but things I'd do differently based on what I know now, it would look something like this:

-I wish I knew in elementary school that it's ok to stand up for yourself.

-I wish I knew at 7 years old not to imitate pro dancers as I stand at the top of cement stairs with my hands wrapped up in my sweater.

-I wish I knew that avoiding math by sitting in the bathroom during Grade 7 would lead me to struggle in math for the next 3 years.

-I wish I knew that mom wasn't mad at me, it was the chemo talking. And I wish I knew how to deal with that better.

-I wish I knew that Grade 9 was going to be as difficult as it was, and I wish I knew how to get over it easier.

-I wish I knew that holding onto a good thing would have been better than letting go and suffering.

-I wish I knew that my first agent was taking a risk by signing me...and I let her down big time by being immature.

-I wish I knew how harsh some of my words were. I wish I knew how they hurt people. I wish I knew a way to make it better.

-I wish I knew that getting involved in university stuff could have been highly beneficial.

-I wish I knew how to tell someone how I felt about him, before any damage was done.

-I wish I knew that by not saying anything, I would break my own heart years later.

-I wish I knew that my grandpa was as sick as he was. I wish I knew to say goodbye properly.

-I wish I knew how important it is/was to save money.

That's all for now. I might randomly post some more 'I wish' notes.... :)

2 I've(s), 22 I(s), 6 I'm(s), 8 me(s), 3 my(s), 2 myself(s).

I've never been good at this...nope never.
This whole- telling people how you really feel- thing. It's really difficult for me. I prep myself for these huge speeches, these whole emotional,dramatic, honest speeches that I anticipate will just pour out of me. But they never do. It always ends in...mmhmm...yeah....uh....I think that..well..ok....
That's it!
I wouldn't say I'm a pushover...I just can never seem to get it out. If I manage to make two honest points about how I feel- it's miraculous. But those two points are never just it.
It can be about anything....telling someone how I feel about them: good or bad....etc.

What I'm going to do is try a new approach. I'm not sure what it's going to be yet...but I will figure it out!

Anyway, I am craving adventure. I really am. I need to get moving again. I've become such a potato. I'm not a 'couch' potato yet (because I'm rarely on the couch) but I just feel like I'm a potato. A daily dose of excitement is needed in my life. I need something to look forward to.

So after realizing how many times I used (I,me,my, etc) it occured to me, this post is all about me. I guess many of my posts have been....but this one is seriously about me. It doesn't really have anything to do with anyone else, at least not directly!
After analyzing this, it is to be believed that I have successfully focused on myself for once, and understood exactly what I want, and essentially what I need.
Gotta start being truthful. It's necessary. So ask me to tell the truth ok, and let me just tell you everything before I get a chance to breathe and take it all back.

Pick Up and Go

Packed a bag this morning, off to find some peace and quiet. 

Sometimes all you need is 24 hours to figure out what you need to do. 

I know what I need to do.

I'm starting my turnaround now.

:)

Wish me luck,

Bye Bye

xo

.a.

How long does it usually take for wishes to be granted after you speak to the stars?

I wouldn't say I've hit rock bottom....because I really haven't. Things have been much, much worse.

But I think I'm starting to crack. Take out the 'think'. I know I am. If ever there was a downward spiral...this is it. Here. Somehow I jumped in and I've just been spinning. 

I'm slowly losing everything I had such a firm hold on, and it's making me go insane.

I'm not who I used to be. 

Although I feel wiser...the decisions I've been making are constantly proving to be the wrong ones. Disappointing results in every aspect of my life. 

All I need is a little boost of positivity. Then I can start correcting all the mistakes I've made. Turn everything around. 

I have spent the last 5 days surveying my life. Wondering where I went wrong. The trace got lost somewhere between early 2007 and late 2008. 

Fortunately for me it wasn't just one big mistake that caused me to become who I am. It's been several...and that's why all this is hard. Because I can't figure out what triggered what.

Have I lost you yet? I don't doubt it.

Remember, this blog is based on whatever is in my head. I really don't think before I write things down..it just comes out. Most of the time, it's nonsense.

Anyway-

As I sit here attempting to figure out what to do with myself, I can only hope that something good happens within the next week. I need a turnaround.

Funny thing is this:

I spent 2 weeks in a world I loved, a world I quickly fell in love with. 

Within moments of stepping out of that world, I resented the old reality. I didn't want to come back. 

I'm already itching to leave again.

-a-

"maybe someday we'll figure all this out, 

Try to put an end to all our doubt,

Try to find a way to make things better now,

Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud, 

We'll be better off somehow, Someday"

 

blinded and bound...sounds raunchy! haha

---------------------

Stepping stones

Getting to where we need to be

All so slow

That's the way it's always been

Holding on

By a love-bound heart

to unbinding words

memories binding, it's blinding

I'm so blind

Rip the threads

Cut the strings

Please do anything

No more holding on-

I can't do it anymore

Heal me with painful words

I'll be fine sooner than later

In a place I've never been before

Get me out of here

Get me over you

..You've got to

Looking out to foreign mountains

Air so clear

But I can't breathe

Suffocating 

In anticipation

Swallowing back tears of such frustration

Building up the courage to

Simply walk away from you

with memories binding, it's blinding

I'm so blind

Just a few words...

I'm sitting here, ready to go to the airport, and I thought that now would be a good time to blog.
I am really nervous for some reason. Like..really, really nervous. My hands have been shaking all day. My heart is racing. I'm basically freaking out. Just one of those things. I shouldn't be nervous about anything. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm going to be by myself. Seperation anxiety? Perhaps...

Anyway. I'd like to comment on the death of a great icon. You all know who I'm talking about. Clearly it's the King of Pop. My idol. I've loved him since I was a kid, and he was always someone I'd longed to meet, unfortunately our meeting will have to wait until the afterlife...or an alternate life. I know you've probably heard people say it a million times in the past two days...but he truly was a great influence on the entertainment industry. His early music career, his incredible performances, his scandals, personal life, etc. He was known for so many different things. What's a shame is that most people (most likely under the age of 18) will only remember him for his always changing face and being ridiculed on shows like South Park.
His death was unfortunate, and as many others have said recently, he will be missed.

I hope you are all doing well out there. I know that sounds stupid, but I really do hope you're feeling good. Is it weird that I genuinely hope for people to be happy? Hmm...maybe. But I do. Why do I care? Because I think this world needs some love to be spread. Seriously. I am getting so tired of people being so rude, so judgemental, so unloving. Maybe it's because they aren't cared about enough. So why not smile a little bit more? I hear it's contagious. Why not say hello to passerbys, even if you don't know them. Sure, for a second they may think you are crazy, but it's more than likely they will find it sweet, and perhaps pay it forward. Everyone always says they want peace within the world, so why not start by being peaceful with those you encounter throughout the day. I'm sure you'd feel a lot better if someone passing you smiled and said hello rather than ignored you looking sour, right? Random thought, but it's been on my mind.

Lastly, before I grab my stuff and head off, I'd like to say thanks.
Thanks for reading the ridiculous stuff I post. I don't know why you do it, but I'm glad you do.
Most of the time I just talk to myself on here, write down stuff as if it were a diary... speak as if I have something to say.

We all know I'm a fairly boring person, but I do have a lot on my mind. If only I could share everything! Then again, if you were to read exactly what I was thinking all the time, I'm sure you'd lose your mind, and realize I lost mine a long time ago.

For the next little while, keep sane, as I will try to.
I'm sure I will be writing a lot more than I have been, but not on here...that will have to wait until I have internet access again.

Ok, I'm outta here!

You all take care of yourselves alright?

Love ya

-a-
xo

so predictable

"I'm on the road To who knows where? Look ahead, not behind I keep saying"

Tedder/Brown/Bettis/Filkins/Myers

Trying so hard just to figure it all out. It's hurting the soul. Need some healing.

I won't

Staring into empty eyes
Tellin me such heartfelt lies
I don't care at all, no
I don't care at all.
Maybe if you were someone
That knew where I was coming from
And I thought maybe you could be the one
I'd care
I'd care

Sometimes it's better to waste away
Then to have never loved in the first place

I'll let you in
But keep your expectations low
I'm not gonna give my soul
Never gonna let my heart go
You're only here, for lack of better waste of time
Never gonna be mine
Never gonna be mine
Sorry if it hurts, but in my heart I know
I'm never gonna love you like I loved him
I won't

I watch shadows dance on the walls behind you
I forget what you're talking about
Reoccuring thoughts running through my head
I know you're speaking, but I don't hear sound
Try and grab my attention, I can't help but smile
I know you don't understand
You couldn't really know how bad I want to
spend this time with another man

Sometimes it's better to waste away
Then to have never loved in the first place

I'll let you in
But keep your expectations low
I'm not gonna give my soul
Never gonna let my heart go
You're only here, for lack of better waste of time
Never gonna be mine
Never gonna be mine
Sorry if it hurts, but in my heart I know
I'm never gonna love you like I loved him
I just know, I won't

spaces between lives

been a while

since i've made a good memory

been some time

since i've last felt so sure, secure

wonder why

the space between this life

and the one i lived is so wide, so wide.



not usually one to cry so long

not usually one to sit alone

i don't cry myself to sleep

never wander aimlessly

not usually this way
but thanks to you,
thanks to you
everything's changed.

Say What You Will

http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-CA&brand=sympatico&vid=9aaaaedf-a19b-4af8-a77a-647d14293ced


Beautiful..really makes you think about life.

titleless

still kicking
still moving
full formed figures
ask what I'm doing
they see but don't recognize
no they don't understand
that's alright

let me dwell in the shadows
for just a little longer
post-adrenaline exhaustion
will only make me stronger
it'll take a minute
one or two more
this crazy type of feeling
well it's been banging on the door
i let it in, i had to
and i'll let it stay and rest
so let me dwell in the shadows
so you can see me at my best

an hour later

10:50 on a Monday night. Don't want to sleep just yet.
Had a flashback today, it took me by surprise because frankly, I haven't remembered this moment for a while- a long while!
I won't be specific, but if the individual involved in this memory just happens to stumble across this, I hope you share the same happiness that I do in remembering...

It was a summer night, but crisp outside. I was cold, but it didn't bother me. I was sitting on a swing outside a school that wasn't really familiar to me. I stared at the sand beneath me and gently moved it with my feet and could see him kicking it around over in his corner of the sanded area. We spoke of the most serious things young teenagers could talk about. Maybe it wasn't as intense for him, but it was for me. I had never spoke like that with anyone before. It was all new. Everything. We hung out for hours, just talking, and talking, and laughing and understanding eachother. I remember thinking- this, is what life is all about. Sharing moments like these. Being able to really just sit down and get to know someone, and let them know you. It was probably one of the best nights I've had, and it wasn't even eventful...but it was special. I bet he didn't know that. I probably never let him know how great a night it was.

Obviously, you reading this, won't be able to really understand how this flashback felt for me. But it was really strange, just because I had completely forgotten all about it.
It was also what came after this flashback that was strange. I realized that, I only remember the bad things and rarely remember great moments, like that particular night. I really do just hold onto those bad moments and that's what I live my life on...remembering the bad.

It's silly I know. But it's a little change that I'm going to try and make in my life. Not sure how to go about doing this...but I'm going to try anything.

Next on my list of ridiculous notes: Michael Jackson.

I love his music. I truly do. Am I the only one excited for the new album?

Third note of the night:
I have figured out what my three weird obsessions are:
1) my ocd mannerism of making everything balanced.
2) spending money on anything I can. Seriously, it's a problem.
and 3rd) wigs.
I absolutely love wigs. I always have. I sometimes will just sit in my room with a wig on. haha. actually typing that out made me laugh because, it must seem SO ridiculous! Who does that? Well clearly I do! I just love being able to instantly change who you are with a simple change of hair. I guess that's something I don't usually tell people and I thought I would take the time now to let everyone know about my 3 obsessions.


As I take a look at the clock I see the picture of me and Ann Margret, and decided I will leave you off with something she once sang...

If you were on my mind
All night and day
Blame it on my youth
If I forgot to eat and sleep and pray
Blame it on my youth
If I cried a little bit
When first I learned the truth
Don't blame it on the stars
Don't blame it on your smile
Don't blame it on my eyes
Blame it on my youth

Who established this whole 'prime' thing anyway?

I don't believe it when people tell me that I'm in my prime. I'm hearing that a lot lately.
Sure I'm 21...but I don't think I'm in my prime.
I don't feel like I am.
I think your prime is when you are at your absoluete best, when you are exactly where you want to be...
I don't think I'm there yet.
Almost. But not yet.
I have so much to accomplish, really.
Physically I'm not in my prime either. I look forward to the day that I'm a complete woman head to toe and feel totally secure in my own skin.
So to conclude....no....I'm not in my prime.

I used to talk loudly, I swear.

Getting it back...almost there.
I'm so close I can feel it.

Thanks to those who have helped me, I needed it.

It's nice to find the path you lost. I walk a little taller now. A little smarter too. I'm watching what's in front of me, but not forgetting who is beside me.

I love you girls and again, thank you.

The Letter W and I don't get along...

It's official. The three things I hate most start with W:

Waiting

Whistling
and

Winter

All three which I painfully endured the last couple days...

'tomorrow, tomorrow, i'll love ya, tomorrow...it's only a dayyyy away!'

White Horse

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her down the stairwell
This isn't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you
and you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse
to come around



L.Rose T.Swift